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highoffofnothing
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Name: food is the enemy
Gender: Female
Interests: waking up feeling a bit more bones than the day before. feeling small. feeling so powerful.
Expertise: i can make a mean pair o' pants!
Occupation: fashion
Industry: fashion fashion fashion
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/10/2006
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| ah. long time no post.
it's been a pretty good week. and i've been doing quite well....even on thanksgiving. i went through a day or so of feeling like everything i was doing in my life was wrong or not good enough. that somehow set me on a quest (a coffee/no-food high) of setting everything right. realizing that i think i really have to be just drinking coffee and eating nothing at all earlier in the day in order to get things done the way they need to be, in order to feel good and motivated and "on it" like i need to be. otherwise...i can have the tendency to really half-ass things in my life. i think i've been doing that too much lately...and i need to set things back right now.
unfortunately i fucked up my ankle really badly yesterday on Thanksgiving. it swelled up pretty big and left me handicapped today. i rode my bike to work anyways though, despite my boyfriend telling me not to. i think my ankle is getting better, thankfully. i feel really lazy and gross for staying off it it for the most of the day.
i hope all of you had good thanksgivings and are doing quite well. thanks for your comments!! be strong!!
xoxo;) | | |
| oh, what a difference a year makes.
last year i weighed at least 60 lbs more than i did at this time this year.
i had just moved home from Baltimore and living with my terrible ex. he never abused me physically, but emotionally is a completely different story. he cheated on me numerous times. while we were living together he began courting other girls. AND he told me (kind of out of nowhere) that he had a thing for "big" (fat, obese) girls. i thought he was lying, until i discovered all of these disgusting pictures of fat women that he had on his laptop. one of the girls he was cheating on me with was fatter too. i kick myself now, and can't believe i didn't leave him soooo much sooner than i did, but at the time all i could possibly think about was trying to make things work somehow. trying to make him want ME again. so...i began to eat and eat and eat like never before. it kinda worked...i mean he was definitely into me more.
sick, i know. i felt like complete shit at what i was doing to my body. he met me when i was quite thin...about close to what i am now. i even confessed early on that i had ana tendencies. so...how in the hell did all of this even happen?? it's crazy what we can do for love sometimes. i can't even believe it still myself sometimes now. but anyway...i ate away gaining and gaining. the weird thing was...i had no enjoyment from eating whatsoever...my thought was merely..."got to cram in as many calories and move around as little as possible." i would fantasize back to my ana days at times.
sometimes i know we all think "what if i could eat anything i wanted whenever i wanted and there was still someone who would love me? what if things were reversed so that getting fat was the desired goal?" well, that was where i was at. while i became more of the object of his desire...i became virtually INVISIBLE to every single other person. i had NO self confidence whatsoever in public. i was told my cholesterol was way too high. i was putting my health at risk (and he knew it) for this cheating asshole. agh!
well, i just have to say that i'm sooo completely thankful that those days and that situation are sooo long and far behind me. though, not that far or long for me to have forgotten about it. i have LEARNED that lesson to never EVER let myself be so into someone in such an unhealthy way again that i do things that i would otherwise never do to myself.
sorry, this was such a long post. sometimes i just have to remind myself how lucky i am to be out of that, and just to say....never ever let someone convince you into doing something that you know ISN'T YOU! and to say....some guys in this world really SUCK!! .....but some don't....you just have to throw back the really bad ones sooner than later! ;) | | |
| okay. yesterday=good. had no foods, just liquids--mainly coffee and tea and water...and wine. ;P
and i stayed again at the bf's house last night, but this time when we parted ways...i was good.
i think i'm completely smitten, too. *sigh*
CINNAMON! so...i'm not sure if this is a new finding or old news...but:
cinnamon
i think it's old news, but anyhoo....i'll definitely be adding cinnamon to coffee, tea and anything else it'd be good on. the part where the lady said it decreased her abdomen area particularly piqued my interest! certainly can't hurt. let's experiment here shall we??
ooh. i think my new favorite designer:
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| gross! gross! gross!
that's the way that i feel right now. i am sooo stuffed. i had so much crap in the last hour, i don't even want to think about it. i'm very very upset with myself. i wish i were better at purging, but the only thing i can purge very well is ice cream. everything else hurts too much. so i guess i just have to let it sit here.
i had three very good days of eating very little, and then...today just sucked big time. i spent the night at the boyfriend's house. i felt thinner last night too. i think he could tell. somehow as soon as we parted ways this morning, something went wrong...i was off on my way to work and all i could suddenly think about was the bakery that was on the way. i hate how i felt all day, too. eating and food somehow turns me into a one-track-minded monster. i was in a shitty mood, because i didn't want anyone to see me eat and i just wanted to go home and stuff my face, which was what i ended up doing tonight. but when i'm in the mentality of "not-eating" i can think clearly, i'm a happy, generous fun person....a totally different and better person. anyway. that's my food for the week. i just ate it all. i'm done.
oh! and i think my roommate is starting to "pick-up" on some disordered eating of her own. she became vegan a couple of weeks ago. now, she only eats salads and fruit...and french fries! haha! i don't even notice her losing that much weight for as healthy as she eats and as much excercise that she does. i think she's trying to compete with me on some level. well, if she wants to compete....then i can do that! i can kick ass! a little friendly competition may be exactly what i needed.
okay. i think i'm gonna go try my best at puking... or i'm gonna go do 1,000 sit-ups and 1,000 squats. grrr. | | |
| ah. well, i'm feeling a bit better and back on track. yesterday i had:
1 coffee w/cream & sugar (i know, but i have to have the sugar!) = 150c
2 small glasses of wine = 300c
5 nacho chips and 5 french fries (i had to eat "socially") = 200c
Total= 650
Plus I walked for about 2 hours in the cold rain...all in all...a pretty good day.
However, I think I've gotten a couple of stretch marks from being bad the last few weeks. Those need to be gone ASAP. And I tried on some clothes today...I've definitely gained, but I bought smaller sizes so that I have to lose the weight in order to wear them.
My tip of the day:
NAUSEA: use it to your advantage. It's normal to get hungry and then eventually start to feel sick to your stomach. When you start to feel nauseous think about your favorite foods and how actually disgusting they are. Nausea is a very stong disphoric feeling, and by thinking of these foods at this time you'll begin to associate them with a powerful negative reaction, thus being able to better resist them later on.
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